


Issues

by MarieSackler



Series: Sophie and Sackler [4]
Category: Adam Driver - Fandom, Girls (TV), Girls HBO, adam sackler - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, CPTSD, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Love, Mental Illness, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Real Life, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:40:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25061746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarieSackler/pseuds/MarieSackler
Summary: Sophie is struggling with her mental health and is starting to feel like a burden.Adam gets an oppertunity of a lifetime.How will they balance out Sophie's struggles and Adam's aspirations?This chapter contains mentions of- Mental Illness (Anxiety, Depression, CPTSD)- Psychiatric Medication- Past history of trauma (Domestic Abuse)- Alcoholism
Series: Sophie and Sackler [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1793971
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Issues

I stared at the empty Xanax bottle in my hand; of course, I had let the prescription run out. I threw the bottle in the trash. The fist was tightening in my breast causing me to lean against the doorframe. Breathe, Sophie. Breathe. Breathing, never actually helped. Therapists spouted the worst bullshit; meditation, grounding techniques; none of it really worked.

You had to ride out the monster until it was sated. It could last minutes or hours and it was always followed by a crushing low. I could feel the tension building in my arms and legs. I wanted to scream; walking over to the couch, I pulled my knees to my chest. I wanted Adam. No, I needed Adam and he wasn't here.

He was in California and wouldn't be back for at least another week. As much as I hated to admit it, his departure was partly responsible for my mental state. I had grown dependent on him; needy. I relied on him to keep me stable; it was unhealthy. He never complained or made me feel like a burden; which made it even harder to bear.

A sharp blow to the sternum made me bowl over in pain; I was now hysterical. I tried to find my phone. Sam could come over. I frantically eyed the coffee table; no phone. I started to rock back and forth; my breathing restricted. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. I yelled out the voice command for my cell phone and demanded it call 9-11; closing my eyes I let myself fall into the searing agony.

Laying in the hospital bed; staring up at the white ceiling, Sam spoke with the nurse. The door opened and Sam stood next to my bed.

"So, they will let you out in a few hours; they gave you some heavy sedatives." She said as I nodded in response.

My eyesight was blurry; body heavy. Sam gingerly lifted my hand and intertwined it in hers; sad eyes studied my face. I lifted myself up more on the bed trying to clear my head; she went to object but I interrupted her.

"Don't look at me like that. I am fine. It was a fluke." Sam shook her head holding the same stupid glower.

"Sophie. You shouldn't have fired your therapist." I rolled my eyes at her; my thoughts jumbling as I tried to speak.

"It wasn't working out. I didn't have time."

"You make fucking time Sophie." Sam dropped my hand on the bed and crossed her arms.

"We should call Adam." I vehemently shook my head.

"No, we are not calling him." Sam snapped her phone up from her purse.

"Why the fuck not? You weren't going to tell him?" I put my hands to my face. I could not deal with her or this; my body wanted to rest.

"Sam, I am in the hospital for an anxiety attack. Do you think you could chill out for a second!" I said raising my voice as much as my vocal cords could handle; laying back in the bed, I closed my eyes. I heard Sam leave the room; my brain didn't have time to process her frustration, I was dragged under in medicated darkness.

Sam helped me out of the taxi and into the apartment. I immediately went to the kitchen to cut the hospital band off my wrist. Sam paced in front of the couch. I could hear the tapping of her shoes.

"Sam, stop." Walking into the living room, wishing that she would go and leave me in peace. She turned, lips tightly pressed, arms crossed.

" I called Adam." She said matter of factly. Suddenly inflamed, balling my fists, I back away from her, nearing the front door.

"I told you no. You needed to stay out of it. Adam is working on his career. He doesn't need to be worried about me! He won't be able to concentrate on what he needs to be doing. I can't fucking believe you!" Shouting, I whipped open the door.

"Go, please." Lowering my voice to a rumble. She frowned and picked up her purse.

"He needed to know. He should know." Mumbling, she walked past me and into the hall.

"You weren't going to tell him, Sophie." She said sadly.

"And it would have been my business! Not yours!" I slammed the door in her face. Grabbing my phone, I took it off silent. There were three text messages and a missed call from Adam.

The messages were exactly what would be expected frantic: _What's going on? Kid, please answer me. I am going to call you, please answer._

I opened the voicemail and begrudgingly pressed play;

"Sophie, FUCK! Don't do this! Call me the fuck back!" He paused. "Please. I love you."

Tears welled up in my eyes.

I hated Sam for this; he was working on a deal for his independent film to be remade and released. He didn't need this shit on his plate. I couldn't keep being a burden to him. He wasn't even going to go to California because he was worried about leaving me.

He knew I had been struggling before he was set to leave and almost skipped out on what could be the biggest opportunity for his career; now he was sitting in California worrying about me. I dug out the newly filled Xanax from my bag. I could have just one, just one to make it through this phone call.

I needed to clean up this mess and fast. The last thing I wanted was Adam to lose this film deal and come rushing back to New York to babysit me. After thirty minutes, I felt the calming effect of the pill and picked up my phone. He answered on the first ring.

"What the fuck kid! Are you okay?" He whispered in the phone. I could hear him hobbling around on the other side.

"Where are you, Adam?" My voice slightly slurred.

"Hold on! Do not hang up!" He scolded. There was more scuffling and noises before I heard his breath back into the phone.

"What's going on?"

I could hear the sounds of the street around him.

"Where are you, Adam?" I repeated. He sighed audibly.

"Jesus, I am at some fucking restaurant with my agent. Answer me."

I laid down on the couch, pulling up the throw over my chest; the meds were making me sluggish.

"I am fine. It was a fluke, really. I am at home."

I could hear him moving around, his breath growing more and more rapid.

"Kid, Sam fucking told me you had a bad fucking attack. You were in the emergency room."

I didn't want this to be a big deal. I didn't want him to worry; this was not helping anyone.

"Yeah, she exaggerates. I am okay, really." Adam growled in the phone. I could imagine him standing in the street, pacing back and forth on his feet, nostrils flaring, hands waving around.

"People don't just go to the fucking emergency room, Sophie!" He was getting pissed. The worry was turning into rage.

"Look, I got a refill on my rescue meds, Sam is going to check on me; I am sure. Please don't let this freak you out. It's fine, really." I lied right through my teeth. I didn't want him to rush home but at the same time, I did. I wanted to crawl up to his broad chest and nestle under his chin as he massaged my back and planted little kisses on my face.

"Baby, please." His voice was weak and cracking. I balled my hand up in the blanket. I was not going to let my fucked up issues ruin his fucking career.

"I promise, I am fine." Another lie; this was going great; his line went quiet. I could almost hear the scuffing of his shoes on the pavement.

"I don't fucking believe you. But, I know you aren't going to tell me shit." He said dejectedly. Tears started slowly rolling down my face. I was hurting him, no matter what I did.

"Adam, please go finish your dinner. Get this deal done and then come home to me. Okay?" I mustered the liveliest voice I could, hoping that it would be persuasive. It wasn't.

"I am going to call you tomorrow. You should sleep; it's late. Please, fucking call me if you need too. I don't care what fucking time it is." He was defeated. I climbed off the couch and towards the bed; his tee-shirt lying next to my pillow. Curling up to it, I nodded as I answered.

"I will. I promise." Third lie. I could hear him hesitating to get off the phone.

"Okay, goodnight. Don't worry about me. Please, just focus on what you are doing." Pleading wouldn't work with Adam but it was a valiant effort.

"Right. Answer my call, tomorrow kid."

I hugged his shirt to my face and hit the light off.

" I will. I love you." Tears trickling on my lips.

" I love you."

I abandoned the phone on the nightstand. Adam couldn't be my lifeline. It wasn't his job to keep me afloat. I knew this would happen; he would try to be my hero. As soon as he learned of my 'official' diagnosis. He would try to hold me up and fight all my demons. I couldn't let him do that. 

I looked down at my cell. Adam would be here any time now; his flight arrived home this morning; I had magically been able to get both of my jobs to let me have the day off. He had some things he had to take care of before he stopped by for the night.

I was so ready to see him yet a cloud of unrest hovered over us. I knew he was still pissed about the hospital incident. We hadn't mentioned it for the rest of the week. He barely knew how to text and hated talking on the phone.

I had a slew of take-out menus splayed out in front of me; hoping that he would want to get take out. This hopefully would be followed by cuddling, sex at least twice, sleeping in late, and topped with a big breakfast at our favorite diner.

Adam's warm scent enveloped me as I felt his lips press to my forehead; his amber eyes searched my face; a small pout on his lips. Leaning up into him, I wrapped my arms around his neck; kissing him deeply.

"I guess you're not mad that I am late." He said, pulling himself up to stand. I had been sleeping for a couple of hours apparently since my cell read 8 pm; immediately I was annoyed.

"Why are you late? You said early evening?" Adam ran his tongue over his bottom lip and walked towards the kitchen.

"I got back from the airport, passed out, then I ran into some AA people outside of Ray's Coffee. It wasn't on purpose." He said peering into the fridge, pulling out different containers, and examining them. My indignation intensified. Was he really being this flippant?

"So, you went to Rays first?" I walked up behind him. He remained silent and moved further into the fridge.

"Hello?" I pulled at the hem of his tee-shirt. Adam stepped back with a cheese stick; his nostrils flared and eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, I wanted to tell him about California." His tone clipped as he walked past me and threw himself down into the armchair. He was looking for an argument. I crossed my arms over my chest in preparation.

"Say it already!" I snapped stomping back to the couch; Adam clenched his jaw; his eyes clouded.

"What?" He blurted.

"You know what. You are clearly upset. Just say it. Say that you are upset with me!" I kicked the coffee table. Adam stared at me quietly for a few minutes before he ignited.

"You don't trust me! And, you don't fucking take care of yourself, kid!" His hand flew in front of him erratically.

" I do trust you. And you're right, I don't always take care of myself." I was trying desperately not to match his volume; yelling was a quick trigger that equaled nasty results. Adam's eyes flared and he shook his head.

"No. You don't. If you trusted me, you would have not tried to keep the emergency room visit from me."

Intuitively, I stood and shuffled to him; placing my hands on his arms; I felt him flinch from my touch as if he was going to bolt but he remained in place.

"I was going to tell you. I wanted to tell you when I was home. I didn't want you to worry for nothing." I tried to open his arms to hold him but he moved backward.

"No, Sophie. I don't believe you. I fucking knew you weren't in a great headspace when I left but you fucking pushed me to go! And then you ended up in the emergency room!" He started to scratch his head and run his hands through his hair; he was at peak Sackler agitation.

Closing my eyes; I tried to focus on hardwood floors under my feet, it was a grounding technique to keep you from losing your shit. Arguing with Adam is not what I needed right now. He was justified in his anger but I couldn't take this aggression.

"Adam." I paused. "I can't do this with you. I just can't. I don't want to fight." Tears started to roll down my face as I dug my feet in harder.

Adam stared at me; his eyes somber as they traced me to the floor; and to my clenched feet. Standing, he grabbed me by the elbow and hugged me to his chest. As soon as my face touched him, I was sobbing. He embraced me in his massive arms, caressing my forehead with his lips as I started to hyperventilate.

"It's okay, kid. I am here now." He murmured into my hair; clutching me into him. I wanted to stop crying. I wanted us to have a nice 'welcome home' evening, but now, here I was, anchoring myself to him as I drowned in my own tears. He deserved better than this; truly he did. I was a future fucked up ex that people always nod apologetically when they are brought up in passing conversation. I bit the inside of my cheek at my last-ditch effort to snap myself out of hysteria. I felt Adam tighten his grip.

" No,I am not letting go yet." He said softly. I rubbed my face on his shirt.

"It's okay." My voice shaking but the tears slowing their course. Warily, pulling me back, he searched my face. He shook his head sadly, placing a thumb on my lip and wiping.

"You bit the inside of your mouth." Shame showered over me and I reared back. I hated myself and I hated how easily he recognized my crazy.

"Jesus, Adam!" Storming towards the bathroom, I slammed the door.

My pale skin blotchy; eyes glassy and lined red; I was a wreck. I could hear Adam pacing in the living room; the words "fuck" and "shit" being exhaled in between the motions. Running the cold water over my hands, I turned the focus to the coolness. Splashing some on my face, I took a deep breath and calmly walked into the living room. Adam was awkwardly seated on the edge of the couch. I put up a hand in submission.

"Can we please..." Adam interrupted me.

"I am going to run down the street and grab you a pizza." He jumped up. Confused, I started to shake my head.

"A pizza? What?" Adam kissed me quickly as he passed me to the door.

"I am going to go get you some pizza and when I come back, we are going to fucking chill out and relax."

"Wait." I followed him to the door but his face told me to stop.

"I need to go Sophie. I'll be back with pizza." His voice was strained but steady; stepping out into the hallway, he didn't look back.

One week had passed since Adam had returned back from California; that first night back ended with silent mouthfuls of pizza followed by passing out in a heap on the couch. It could have ended worse. My mental state appeared to stabilize the longer Adam was home; I didn't care to dissect things and neither did Adam.

He was preoccupied with answering phone calls from his agent and other random persons pushing to get his film made. A couple of nights were spent with him sprawled out on the end of my bed, scanning over the original screenplay and making edits. He would rub my feet sometimes as he read or would spontaneously interrupt my writing insisting on my input.

I wasn't put off by the screenplay and the fact that it was entirely centered around a previous toxic relationship; evidently he was adding in a second ex that somehow fit into the puzzle. I didn't let myself get caught up in the details; I wasn't going to make his moment about me and my insecurities.

I was watching an old childhood film while Adam scribbled away; one on either side of the couch. The generic chime of a cell echoed throughout the apartment. Adam slammed down his pen and scrambled to his jeans on the floor. Swearing under his breath, he flipped his phone open. It was Beth; his agent. He jumped up and walked into the kitchen. A few minutes passed before he casually flopped back on the couch; turning and grabbing my legs, he started to pull me towards him.

"What?" I said playfully hitting him; his eyes danced with amusement.

"They are making my film." He said as he started kissing my face. I bounced up and down in response.

"That's amazing Adam!" I cupped his face and kissed him deeply.

"I am so, so, so proud of you!" He smiled warmly at me, working fingers through my hair.

"They want to start production as soon as possible; go over the edits that I've done, discuss casting". He trailed off; his smile disappearing.

"What? What's wrong?" I caressed his face. Adam started fidgeting; grabbing my arms and enclosing my hands his eyes were troubled and wide.

" I have to go to California." He said carefully. I nodded and gave a soft laugh.

"Well, I am sure you will for meetings." Adam shook his head, letting go of my hands; he rubbed at his face.

"No, kid. I am going to have to be there for a couple of months." I felt the grip in my chest.

"A few months eh?" I said untangling myself from him. I needed to put distance between us; walking to the kitchen, I started making tea. Adam sat quietly on the edge of the couch, sighing and rubbing his knees.

"I can't not go, Sophie." He had moved to the kitchen and was leaning against the refrigerator. I exhaled loudly and waved my hand in the air as I pulled the tea from the microwave.

"Obviously, the thought of you not going wouldn't even cross my mind." I could hear the frustration in my voice and I regretted it. This was the biggest, most incredible opportunity, and here I was being a selfish bitch. I forced a smile.

"Your pale ass is going to burn, I will make sure to pack you plenty of sunscreen." Adam stopped me from leaving the kitchen.

"I know it's going to fucking suck; we will be fine." He stated as his eyes searched my face.

I shook my head in agreement; gently pushing past him, I walked to the bed. The cup in my hand burned against my skin but it was distracting me from the sadness that was starting to set in my chest. Adam slowly followed behind me. He was going to break me tonight; he needed to back off from the topic of leaving. He sat at the edge of the bed, staring at the floor in silence. Placing the tea next to me, I pulled up my knees.

"Adam, this is a great thing. Stop."

I hated that we weren't having celebratory sex and happy over this news. He shouldn't be worried about me or anything but how soon he needed to fly out. Adam looked at me, shuttered eyes and a frown.

"I can't go that long without you." He scooted closer to me.

"I know we will be fine, I just want you with me." He said rubbing the top of my foot, I suppressed the urge to cry.

"Well, I guess you're going to have to get better at texting." My voice whispered. He gnawed his bottom lip and shook his head.

"Stop, stop trying to be fine with this. I know your fucking upset Sophie." Adam aggressively stood up and paced in front of the bed.

"You can't be alone for that long. You just fucking can't."

Anger flared deep in my stomach; I wasn't a child that he needed to babysit.

"What are you talking about? I am an adult Adam. I can take care of myself." I snapped. Adam kicked at the floor.

"You can't even remember to refill your prescriptions." Mumbling, he rubbed furiously at his head. I jumped up in anger.

"I couldn't afford my prescriptions, Adam! I don't have insurance! How dare you bring that into this!"

"Jesus, fuck kid! You have been falling apart for weeks! I am fucking worried about you." I stormed into the living room and started cleaning things off the coffee table; tears stinging my eyes.

"Talk to me!" Adam grabbed the empty container from my hands and threw it on the couch.

"Don't!" I yelled and moved to pick it up. Adam grabbed the back of my shirt and tugged me back.

"Talk to me. How can we do this?"

I turned to him; Adam was back to troubled and I wasn't having it.

"I don't know. I guess I need to get myself a babysitter while you're away. You know to make sure I eat and don't hurt myself!" I pulled away from him and curled up at the end of the couch; his nostrils flared.

"Don't fucking do that. Don't! You know that you have issues!" He paused. "Come with me."

I looked up at him in disbelief.

"You want me to come with you? And how do you think I will be able to afford that? I work two jobs, Adam! Do you think this apartment is just going to sit here while I am gone?" He groaned and kneeled to the floor.

"Let me pay for it. I'll pay for it. I'll pay for everything. Just come with me." I could hear the pleading in his tone and I knew he was being genuine, loving; but I couldn't let him make me feel like a dependant; a patient.

"No. I am not a child. You are not going to just 'take care of me'. You, going to California to have this great success, dragging along your poor, mentally ill girlfriend who can barely clothe herself; no." Tears streamed down my face. Adam jumped up and yelled nonsense; walking to the dresser, he grabbed a picture frame of us and threw it towards the living room.

_The sounds of broken glass brought me back to the small girl hiding on the floor of the bathroom as I heard my mother's boyfriend hurl her against the wall, pictures crashing to the floor, as she collapsed in a heap._

Adam's hands were on my shoulders. I could hear him saying my name. I looked at him, my eyesight sharpening and adjusting to the room. His face was terrified and eyes red-rimmed and glassy. I inhaled sharply and cleared my throat.

"You have to go." I said quietly, peeling his fingers from my shoulders. He frantically shook his head.

"I am sorry kid. I got carried away."

My breathing quickened and I felt the rage erupt.

"Get out!" I pushed at his chest and moved to get off the bed. Adam tried to grab me but missed. He groaned and jumped up.

"I am not leaving you like this! I am not leaving us like this!" I shrugged my shoulders and continued to back away from him. My head was dizzy from the flashback and I was struggling to process my emotions.

"You think I am a basketcase. Is that why you are staying with me? Because somehow you feel responsible for me?" The idea made me want to throw up. I needed quiet and space.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You know that's not true. I am fucking crazy about you! You know that or at least you should!" Adam suddenly sat back on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands.

"I am exhausted, Sophie. I am trying to be everything to you and still do my own shit. You could at least try to make it a little easier for me."

My head roared and I was submerged in a rush of sadness. This wasn't going to last. I was going to lose him and maybe that was for the best. He deserved better than I was able to give him.

"I am sorry I am such a burden." I cried softly; turning, I slowly walked towards the couch and spoke over my shoulder.

"I need you to go tonight." Adam looked up at me, tears in his eyes.

"Sure. Okay." He stood and started to get dressed as I stared at the floor. I felt him above me, carefully he kissed the top of my head.

"I love you." He said gently. I cried as he left.

_Adam hesitated before sitting down on the barstool. He was drawn in by the smell of alcohol and cigarettes; his head was messy. The bartender looked over and gestured for his order. Adam chewed on the inside of his lip._

_"Top shelf scotch, on the rocks."_


End file.
